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What did I do wrong ?
August 30, 2008

Question :

Dear Toko Cinta,

I have involved into a relationship with a woman for about six months now. Everything seems to be fine at the beginning. I fell in love with her very quickly.

We often spending a lot of time together. This was okay until one day she suddenly pulled herself back from me. Then I realised that we have fell into pattern of me chasing and her pulling away. I told her many times that I love her but she wasn't sure. I was worry and anxious about her feeling to me, but everytime I ask her about this, she stay in silence. Finnaly we broke up for good.

We still see each other now, and often laugh and have great fun and enjoyable conversation together. But everytime I ask her what's going on, she turns to silence and ask me not to discuss about it again. I got confused.

Will our relationship ever leads to where ever it used to be ? or should I meet other woman and have a new dates ?

I really care about her, but she said that she doesn't have any time for love at this moment. She seems interested enough to call me. Is there still a hope for me ? What should I do ? Please advice me, thanks.



Our Advice :

Dear J,

As you probably already know, (if not, its ok..) there are several phases of love. First is what we call a romantic phase, it could last anywhere between 6 minutes to 2 or 3 years. It is time for a couple to see what is in eachother's heart and mind.

Conflicts often reveal themselves in the second phase, called the blame game. When a couple should accept the differences between two and learn to accept eachother's behaviour, wheter its good or bad behaviour.

For those who succeed in the second phase, they will enter the third phase where all the sweetness of long-term relationship lies within.

The problem which you've experienced is one of many common issues that often end up by driving couples apart. This does not mean an end for you. Maybe you sould see throught to your own heart and re-evaluate yourself. There is a possibility that you have made a mistake that hurt her feeling which you did not realised before.

Or maybe you have took the wrong signals in your previous relationship with her. Maybe "she is not that in to you" and thinks that you are only good as a friend.

The good news is, most of men experienced almost the same problems. You don't have to worry. Everybody makes mistakes. The worse thing is if you did not take any lessons from that mistakes.

When you told us that she is still interested to have a good communication and she enjoys to share laugh and have a great fun together with you, it may worth for you to keep in mind that there are still potential possibilities to build the relationship between you two again.

Just remember to keep a good communication and understanding between you two. Keeping the relationship growing in a positive and balanced direction is the key to make it work. Right now, the best thing you could do is try to train a better communication skills and ways of handling your insecurity and impatience. Otherwise the same old pattern will come back to you, you will give the signals to her that you are still pursuing her, and she, therefore must run.

You need to step back and demonstrate that you are ready to be secure and comfort with yourself. In that way, you will open the play fields for her, so that she could move towards you. But all of these will only work in accordance of her appetite. You could open an opportunity and leave it to her to make a decision, whether she wants to come back to you or not.

If she really wants to be with you again,  hold her tight with an open palm, and you are on the right track. Love her with all your love, pure and sincerity, and never take her for your own granted.

May you find your true love.


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